People pleasing often masquerades as kindness, empathy, or being “easy-going.” But beneath the surface, it can be a deeply ingrained survival strategy, one that leaves us disconnected from our own needs, exhausted, and resentful. As a recovering people pleaser myself, I know how hard it is to unlearn the patterns that once kept us safe. But I also know how transformative it can be to start choosing authenticity over approval.
🌱 Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
People pleasing is often rooted in early conditioning. If you grew up in an environment where love or safety felt conditional based on being “good,” quiet, helpful, or emotionally available to others, you may have learned to suppress your own needs to maintain connection. Over time, this becomes automatic: you anticipate others’ reactions, rehearse responses, and shape-shift to avoid conflict or rejection.
Dr Gabor Maté, a renowned trauma expert, explores this in depth. In his interview with Mel Robbins, he discusses how chronic people pleasing—especially in women—can lead to emotional suppression and even autoimmune disease. When we consistently override our own needs, the body keeps score. You can watch the full interview here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLvCXIvgrGQ
🧠 The Surprising Selfishness of People Pleasing
This might be hard to hear, but people pleasing, while often well-intentioned, is not always selfless. When we avoid expressing our truth to keep others comfortable, we’re not giving them the chance to know or respect us fully. We’re also subtly controlling the emotional landscape, trying to manage others’ reactions rather than trusting them to handle discomfort. That’s not connection—it’s performance.
Holding yourself accountable for people pleasing doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means gently asking: What am I afraid will happen if I say no? What am I trying to protect? What would it mean to let someone be disappointed and still choose myself?
🛠️ Evidence-Based Strategies to Shift the Pattern
Here are a few peer-reviewed techniques that can help:
Cognitive Restructuring (Beck, 1979): Challenge automatic thoughts like “They’ll hate me if I say no” by asking for evidence and exploring alternative beliefs.
Emotion Regulation (Gross, 2015): Practise naming your emotions and using grounding techniques (e.g., breathwork, body scans) to stay present when discomfort arises.
Assertiveness Training (Speed et al., 2018): Learn to express needs clearly and respectfully, without over-explaining or apologising for existing.
🧘 How We Work Through This in My Practice
In therapy, we explore the roots of your people pleasing with compassion. We look at where it began, how it shows up in your relationships, and what it’s costing you. We practise boundary-setting, emotional regulation, and self-trust. We also use somatic tools to help your body feel safe when you choose yourself.
We don’t rush the process. We honour the fear, the grief, and the guilt that often come with change. And we celebrate the small wins—like saying “no” without a panic spiral, or expressing a need without rehearsing it ten times.
💬 Final Thought
You’re not broken for being a people pleaser. You were just trying to survive. But now, you have the chance to live not just for others, but for yourself. And that’s not selfish, it’s sacred.
If this resonates, I’d love to explore it with you in session. You’re not alone in this, and you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to start.
